to be or not to be a cougar

At the gym, I am surrounded by the young hot boys from USC, freshly acquired MBA grads, hungry job-climbing artist or money-crunchers, the Equinox trainers all wearing black, and a handful of 40-something year olds that are the second largest age-group living in DTLA. Number one age-group are the millieniels  ( 18-34 yrs).   So for being a cougar in my demographic, my choices are endless.  I usually go to the gym at the same time each day. I’ve already got a few crushes. There is Mr. Asian, USC kid that is a tall Japanese boy with long, beautiful black hair that when he ties up in a man-bun automatically makes me think he’s ready to sumo-wrestle even though he’s got the opposite build of one. Or that he’s ready to perform as a Geisha girl.  He’s a bit adrogenous which is appealing to me. I could literally stare at his face all day. Its exquisite. Then there is Mr. Farkakte, a shorter, stocky yet slim build with an ass like God knows how to make…… round and juicy. I bet he has perfectly placed dimples above those love mounds. Something about the intensity of his workouts makes me wonder how his fucks would be. Sexual stamina is important. Like Missy Elliott says “I don’t want no minute man”.  Nor do I. And I seem to like them young. Something about 20- 29 feels good to me. I started with a 25 yr. old. Went as low as 22. Currently in the high 20’s.  Life is very good here in the high 20’s. I think I’ll stay here awhile.

Seems silly right!  A 42 year old dating a high 20’s. #fuck donald trump! This is what pops up in my head when I feel like I want to conform and be like the norm.   I don’t know if its a trend right now with young guys wanting older women or if its always been in style. I’m not complaining and I’m not chasing either. They are chasing me. Its fucking amazing! Or it can be amazing if you’re open to hearing about current pop culture, memes, snapchat, #byefelicias, and so much more millieniel shit. I love hearing all about it. I always told my teenage self that no matter what age I was, that I would always listen to the latest top-40 list.  You also have to be ok with asking questions cause there is a jargon to this group.  Omg……and the sex……well, lets be fair and say that its not always great but with the right person…..oh yeah….I’m cumming and cumming and cumming some more. I mean whats the point to having sex  other than to passionately and sweatingly connect to your partner. The best is when I float during sex.  I’m in the moment. I don’t think about anything but me and my boo. The hair on his arms, the hair on his chest, the side profile of my lover’s face, the little bit of facial scruffle that makes my gliding fingerprints quiver as they slowly pass by. Him on top of me, him behind me, him beside me, me on top of him, me with his cock in my mouth, he with his face in my pussy.  Hearing his voice. Sometimes I make him speak Spanish to me, rarely German. I just want to get lost in him…in myself……in us…..blissful.

for all the daughters out there

Value and vulnerability have been the theme of my life at this current time.  Just last week I was introduced to the Ted talks of Brene Brown and her topic on vulnerability.  For me, its incredibly hard to open my heart up to people. I’ve been working on it over the past  year…..opening my heart up that is.  I’m quite guarded and its benefitted me in many ways.  People don’t fuck with me but they’re also afraid to engage.  So when I heard Brene’s talk about vulnerability and how we are all here to ultimately connect with one another…….to truly connect, we must be be vulnerable, we must be seen. Seen as who we truly are not who we think we should be.

Well, what better way to be vulnerable and begin to put yourself out there over and over again then in the world of online dating.  The dating scene out here in LA is ridiculous. So many choices,so many douchebags. Men and women. I compare it to apartment hunting.  There seems to always be the better apartment, the better partner out there. Perhaps.

I’ve met some great people and had zero chemistry or spark. I’ve easily hooked up when I wanted to and rarely think of those people.  I’m not the girl that has sex and then has emotions attached to them just because of the act.  I’m in it for the same reason. To get off.   But when that one person comes along and the heart reacts……the chemistry is unreal and you just can’t stop thinking about that person.  Well, for me, its a connection. Its undeniable.  For me…..it was Mr. Chicago.

We met online last August.  It was my first time on OK Cupid. I received an IM from Mr. Chicago and I glanced at his profile.  25 years old….fuck!  I’ve never dated a younger guy. But he was so charismatic and offered to cook me dinner on our first date. Don’t get me wrong, I knew it was just to eat and hook up and I was ok with that. But his age caught me a little off-guard.  Whatevs…..I jumped off the cliff and went for it.  The first 10 minutes of meeting him, we immediately had insane chemistry.  He fucked me so good that night. I fell right to sleep after he left.  I would think about him every once in awhile but thought…that was nice. Maybe it will happen again.  A couple of weeks passed and he texted me.  By that time, I was in my “no hook-ups” kinda mood. So I was honest with him and told him that I wasn’t just interested in hooking up. That I wanted intimacy and romance.  He was down.  We dated for a few weeks, had some outings, and then boom……he ghosted me.  Not only did he ghost me but he blocked me from his phone. He didn’t know this but I had actually developed feelings for him.  I never told him that this time around…..yep….there’s another round.

But my heart was broken and it took me months to get over him. I even stopped dating and hooking up so I could get clarity and invite some sort of truth into my life.  I was sooo close to being completely over him when in August of this year, he reappears.  He sent me a DM on instagram about how he had to leave LA and go back to Chicago for his dad. How sorry he was that he didn’t reach out. I was so surprised to hear from him. I honestly thought I would never hear from him again. I responded that I was glad to hear from him and that an apology would be appreciated.  In retrospect, I should have never responded and just deleted his ass forever. But I became vulnerable in a good way and gave him another chance.  I learned more about him and we would occasionally hangout.  Eventhough, I was talking to other boys, I was smitten with Mr. Chicago again.  Getting text from him filled my days with smiles and fantasies of us being together. Scenes in my head of us vacationing, of us looking for a place to live. I know. I allowed myself to go there. But the thing is, he never asked about my daughter, he never really asked about me. I would voluntarily give him information.  Towards the end, he said that he liked being around me because I made his world calm. But we were never around each other anymore….physically that is.  I was like…..why is this guy talking to me?  He’s already gotten my cherry. We just text. We set up twice to meet up but he no-showed. But my dumb ass kept talking to him. No not talking…..texting.  He sent me flowers to make up for the fact that he was being a total dick to me.  I dreamily accepted his flowers and even told him that I was starting to have feelings for him. Wow! At my age, what a stupid thing to do!

Actually, I’m glad I told him that I was starting to have feelings for him because I was being completely authentic and vulnerable.  Brene Browne says that showing vulnerability brings about creativity, joy, and courage.   But also shows that I have worthiness in myself. Seems polar opposite, I know but you just have to watch her Ted talk.

Luckily for me, my inside voices were telling me that he was untrustworthy and I quickly listened. Two days after those lovely flowers were delivered to me, I ended it with him. I wanted to tell him via phone but we only had a text relationship. So I texted him “I’ve been thinking over the weekend about you and I’ve decided its best that we part ways. I enjoy being a source of comfort to you but its not enough for me. And I really don’t know if our relationship can develop the way I would like it to. I have a child, I’m older.  I need support as well and can’t be the only one giving it.  I wish you the very best. ”

And I meant it. I cried for him for 2 days and now I’m done. I’m done because I know now why he came back into my life. It was for me to continue to open my heart.  When my spiritual advisor first saw me back in December 2015,  she was like…..”whoa, you have built such a huge wall around you.  You need to start opening your heart.”

Well, I have.  But the most important part is that I haven’t forgotten to value myself first. To open my heart to myself first. To love me first.  Because ultimately, when my daughter sees me, I do not want her to see me in pain but instead see me for the strong woman that I have become.

 

 

those little voices

facetune

“Sitting at the Memphis airport,  I was sipping on a margarita waiting for my connecting flight to Los Angeles to arrive. It had been 3 months since my last trip to LA and this time around I was feeling extra euphoric about the incoming time alone.  No husband, no child, no expectations.  Just my time, my choices.

Just before this trip, those little voices in my head were at it again.  Constantly reminding me with sneaky entrances here and there that I needed to find a different course for my life.  It didn’t occur to me that I would meet someone within the hour that would change my life forever. “

This is an excerpt from my journal that when read makes me smile. I smile with gusto because I finally chose to change my life. Within a little over a year, I divorced my husband of 12 years and moved back to LA to live with my new partner. A partner who was another woman. My father thought I was disgusting. My mother was so disappointed. My brothers thought it was cool and my sister thought I was acting like a teenager.

But I knew exactly what I was doing. I was getting on the plane to freedom. It hasn’t been an easy ride this past 4 years but its been my rollercoaster ride. I have felt my stomach tighten as I’ve dipped into the bottom and have laughed with utter happiness at the top. I’m still riding and I never want to get off. The reason I don’t want to get off is because I’m not scared anymore.

I’m a 42 year old bisexual woman. Yes, bisexual. Not gay.

During my last year of marriage, I can remember that I would always go and sneak off at night to watch my show, “The L Word”.  It’s a show on netflix  about a group of lesbians living in LA and their love lives.  I was obsessed with this show!  I had always wanted to experiment with women and this was my way of living through them. I was also turned on.

Once children come into the picture, sex is always second to sleep. Parenthood is extremely exhausting and sleep is salvation.  So since the sex obviously lacked in my marriage, I got my orgasms through watching the girls on “The L Word”.  I could totally relate to them because they were feminine and weren’t the stereotypical lesbian look.

At the time I was living in NC but would return to LA every 3 to 4 months to do hair for my clients on the Westside.  Before this particular trip, I gave myself permission to explore West Hollywood also known as Weho. Best place to go for gay nightlife. Well I never had to go because Weho sat right next to me on the plane.  I was sitting in the aisle seat so I had to stand up to let her get to her window seat. Row number seven.  My lucky number.  The middle seat between us remained empty which was essential because I would have never spoken to her if we had sat right next to each other. That space in between us made it comfortable for me to open up and start a conversation. We ordered drinks, spoke of our lives.  I immediately felt comfortable with her which for me is rare. I could tell she was attracted to me as I was to her.  Towards the end of the flight, we exchanged numbers. I told myself that she would make a great hair client for my LA trips but in reality, I liked her.  I wanted. No….I needed to see her again.

In retrospect, I now know that before that plane ride, I opened up my heart to allow her to enter my life. Its hard for me to currently do that with my love life because I don’t really know what I want. But for my writing, my mind and my heart are aware of the possibilities.  The universe opens up opportunities and to invite them in I have to be aware that there is an invitation.  I tell myself that its ok to pursue what I really want to pursue.  I give my own self permission to explore. I refuse to become comfortably numb.

just call me crazy

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Is it just me or does dating make one crazy?  I’ve just started on my dating adventure in Los Angeles and I swear its absolutely time-consuming and disappointing.  Although I think I’m being impatient.  I’ve never had to work this hard to have a partner.  I mean I meant my ex-husband one month after graduating high school.  Eighteen years later, I fall in love with a woman on a plane.  Call it kismet or serendipitous…..it just happened. Falling in love with each of them was effortless and unplanned.  Now I’m forty one and single for the first time EVER in twenty two years and I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing.  I mean hooking up or having random sex is easy but this whole dating business is so awkward.  I’m supposed to be coy and play these mind-fuck games with guys so they can seem like they are chasing me.  Yes…..I’m back to men.  Dick for life……although there is that one girl at the gym.  Hmmmm….. I just wanna kiss her.

But seriously, I don’t like to play games.  I’m tactless and to the point. And these online dating apps don’t help either.  My first online dating app that I tried was Tinder.  I cringed at filling out my profile so instead I just left it empty.  I figured guys were either gonna swipe left or right based on my looks and I was fine with that.  If you’re reading this and you don’t know what Tinder is, it means you’re married or have been in a relationship for awhile.  But hang in there, I’m gonna have some great tips for you guys in future post because its likely you aren’t having enough or any sex at all.

So back to Tindering.  Well, I lasted 3 days. talked to 2 guys. Ugh!!  Chatting via text…….how are you?  How’s your day?  Where in LA are you located (crucial and most important question EVER because LA is huge and we don’t have time to sit in more traffic)?  Where are you from?  Blah, blah, blah……..fucken torture for me.  I call it chat-fucking but without the orgasm.  The reason I only lasted 3 days is due to my lack of patience.  I wanted to get laid ASAP.  That’s right.  I just wanted to hook up.  So I ditched Tinder and went to hook-up mecca,  Ashley Madison.  Don’t judge.  Ok , yeah……sure…judge me.  Ashley Madison is known as the on-line dating service where married or people in a committed relationship go to to have an affair.  For me, it was perfection.  Sex without the commitment or the emotional attachment.  Within days, I met Mr. Biker (this is my code name for him not his AM name).  Mr. Biker was a Latino guy in the medical profession that had been married for 2o something years and he and his wife no longer had sex.  Well,they did have sex but once or twice a month which for him was not enough. And he drove a Harley……score!

After 6 months of being on the site he figured out how to filter through the instant messages for prostitutes, money scammers, fake profiles, and my all time favorite, fantasy chat-fuckers.  Fantasy chat-fuckers are people who love to text forever and ever but never want to meet in person.  The worst!

Well, needless to say, I’m not a chat-fucker.  I’m a “lets do this, when and where can we meet?” kinda girl.   We ended up meeting at a bar in DTLA near my work.   He was in his late 40′s, early fifties.  We immediately had good chemistry. We chatted and  I learned of his past and what brought him onto AM. He had had a mistress for a few years prior to joining AM but she moved to another state.

Before  meeting Mr. Biker, I had a meeting with myself in regards to how far I would go sexually on the first date.  I didn’t want to commit to the whole package.  Y’know…..have sex right away so me, myself and I voted on oral sex as the first step.  Dick size is important during sex.  This whole “motion of the ocean”mumbo jumbo is total bullshit. So blow-jobs were the way to go for scoping out the goods.

After being with a woman for 4 years, I craved blow-jobs!  Its one of my favorite things to do.  So a total win win for both parties.  We had some drinks, a couple of laughs.  I asked him where his car was.  He said it was in a lot 2 blocks away.  I whispered in his ear, “I want to go to your car and give you a blowjob.”

Check please!!

my first love

Photo on 8-21-16 at 11.56 PM

 

It is 1994 in the balcony of our first apartment together. I can remember A was into photography and he had a remote that was linked to his camera so that we could take selfies of ourselves. Looking back at this picture of us is abit surreal. I met A one month after I moved to NC. I had previously been living in Montgomery, AL and had dreams of moving to a bigger city where I could explore away from the shelter of my parents. In retrospect, for as much as my parents were protective of me prior to me graduating high school, they let me go. No questions asked. Must have been because I was heading to NC where my older brother lived. Unbeknownst to my parents, I had dreams of moving to NYC but first I needed to make a pit-stop in NC.  Pause there, save some money, then head to NYC. I immediately started waiting tables and thats where I met A.

When I met A, I had very little experience with men. I wasn’t a virgin but I was a total pillow princess and was unfamiliar with what I should actually be doing or enjoying in the bedroom.  Sex scared me and I wasn’t willing to be very adventurous.  A was always the gentleman, never pressured me and I felt very safe with him. Just a few months in, I fell inlove with him.

I can remember a time we were in a parking lot somewhere after dinner, holding hands and this couple in their 70’s came up to us. They said, “You two are so in love.” We were. I didn’t realize other people could see it too.
When I met A, I was in search of new experiences, new surroundings, and I had never been in a serious relationship. So meeting A grounded me in NC and gave me exactly what I didn’t know I was looking for….pure, unconditional love.

That was 23 years ago.

Two weeks ago, I received a call from A, now my ex-husband. We were together 18 years, married twelve. He called to ask me “Is there anything I need to work on?” He wasn’t asking me this question because he was trying to reconcile. He was asking me so he could do better, be better for his new wife to be.  I had to pause.  I paused only because I couldn’t think of anything.  We are all imperfect. Then I thought about the other night with Mr. LA.  We had just finished fucking  and he was doing his ritualistic after-sex smoke. There we were on the couch watching his favorite music artist on youtube which then led to a video of Stevie Ray Vaughn. I was immediately hit with “Wow!”.  I had no idea what a great artist he was. His passion. The sweat on his face. Through his video, I felt him! Then I intensely felt the loss of my 18 year relationship with my ex husband.  Tears streamed down my face as I’m feeling this melancholy moment.  Stevie Ray Vaughn was his favorite artist. A spoke of him often but I never really heard him.

As I drift back to my current phone call with A,  I say “I know how you can be better.””Just really listen to what she is interested in and explore it with her. Learn about it. Learn to enjoy it”.  He said, “Thank you”. I wished him good luck and congratulated him on his upcoming nuptials.  After we hung up, I felt grateful to have had him in my life when I did. During that time, I was searching for something. I was sad and distrustful. My heart was completely closed. He cracked it open a little and tried to infuse so much love inwardly. It worked A……I still feel your love even today.

So sweet……right?!  Should’ve ended that relationship two years after we met.  By staying I ended up losing 16 years of exploring who I really am or want to be.  But I gained the knowledge of commitment to one person.  With that said. I’m totally exploring now. Not just in the dating world but spiritually. Come join me as I cruise through this crazy world of dating and sex in LA.