my first love

Photo on 8-21-16 at 11.56 PM


It is 1994 in the balcony of our first apartment together. I can remember A was into photography and he had a remote that was linked to his camera so that we could take selfies of ourselves. Looking back at this picture of us is abit surreal. I met A one month after I moved to NC. I had previously been living in Montgomery, AL and had dreams of moving to a bigger city where I could explore away from the shelter of my parents. In retrospect, for as much as my parents were protective of me prior to me graduating high school, they let me go. No questions asked. Must have been because I was heading to NC where my older brother lived. Unbeknownst to my parents, I had dreams of moving to NYC but first I needed to make a pit-stop in NC.  Pause there, save some money, then head to NYC. I immediately started waiting tables and thats where I met A.

When I met A, I had very little experience with men. I wasn’t a virgin but I was a total pillow princess and was unfamiliar with what I should actually be doing or enjoying in the bedroom.  Sex scared me and I wasn’t willing to be very adventurous.  A was always the gentleman, never pressured me and I felt very safe with him. Just a few months in, I fell inlove with him.

I can remember a time we were in a parking lot somewhere after dinner, holding hands and this couple in their 70’s came up to us. They said, “You two are so in love.” We were. I didn’t realize other people could see it too.
When I met A, I was in search of new experiences, new surroundings, and I had never been in a serious relationship. So meeting A grounded me in NC and gave me exactly what I didn’t know I was looking for….pure, unconditional love.

That was 23 years ago.

Two weeks ago, I received a call from A, now my ex-husband. We were together 18 years, married twelve. He called to ask me “Is there anything I need to work on?” He wasn’t asking me this question because he was trying to reconcile. He was asking me so he could do better, be better for his new wife to be.  I had to pause.  I paused only because I couldn’t think of anything.  We are all imperfect. Then I thought about the other night with Mr. LA.  We had just finished fucking  and he was doing his ritualistic after-sex smoke. There we were on the couch watching his favorite music artist on youtube which then led to a video of Stevie Ray Vaughn. I was immediately hit with “Wow!”.  I had no idea what a great artist he was. His passion. The sweat on his face. Through his video, I felt him! Then I intensely felt the loss of my 18 year relationship with my ex husband.  Tears streamed down my face as I’m feeling this melancholy moment.  Stevie Ray Vaughn was his favorite artist. A spoke of him often but I never really heard him.

As I drift back to my current phone call with A,  I say “I know how you can be better.””Just really listen to what she is interested in and explore it with her. Learn about it. Learn to enjoy it”.  He said, “Thank you”. I wished him good luck and congratulated him on his upcoming nuptials.  After we hung up, I felt grateful to have had him in my life when I did. During that time, I was searching for something. I was sad and distrustful. My heart was completely closed. He cracked it open a little and tried to infuse so much love inwardly. It worked A……I still feel your love even today.

So sweet……right?!  Should’ve ended that relationship two years after we met.  By staying I ended up losing 16 years of exploring who I really am or want to be.  But I gained the knowledge of commitment to one person.  With that said. I’m totally exploring now. Not just in the dating world but spiritually. Come join me as I cruise through this crazy world of dating and sex in LA.

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