those little voices

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“Sitting at the Memphis airport,  I was sipping on a margarita waiting for my connecting flight to Los Angeles to arrive. It had been 3 months since my last trip to LA and this time around I was feeling extra euphoric about the incoming time alone.  No husband, no child, no expectations.  Just my time, my choices.

Just before this trip, those little voices in my head were at it again.  Constantly reminding me with sneaky entrances here and there that I needed to find a different course for my life.  It didn’t occur to me that I would meet someone within the hour that would change my life forever. “

This is an excerpt from my journal that when read makes me smile. I smile with gusto because I finally chose to change my life. Within a little over a year, I divorced my husband of 12 years and moved back to LA to live with my new partner. A partner who was another woman. My father thought I was disgusting. My mother was so disappointed. My brothers thought it was cool and my sister thought I was acting like a teenager.

But I knew exactly what I was doing. I was getting on the plane to freedom. It hasn’t been an easy ride this past 4 years but its been my rollercoaster ride. I have felt my stomach tighten as I’ve dipped into the bottom and have laughed with utter happiness at the top. I’m still riding and I never want to get off. The reason I don’t want to get off is because I’m not scared anymore.

I’m a 42 year old bisexual woman. Yes, bisexual. Not gay.

During my last year of marriage, I can remember that I would always go and sneak off at night to watch my show, “The L Word”.  It’s a show on netflix  about a group of lesbians living in LA and their love lives.  I was obsessed with this show!  I had always wanted to experiment with women and this was my way of living through them. I was also turned on.

Once children come into the picture, sex is always second to sleep. Parenthood is extremely exhausting and sleep is salvation.  So since the sex obviously lacked in my marriage, I got my orgasms through watching the girls on “The L Word”.  I could totally relate to them because they were feminine and weren’t the stereotypical lesbian look.

At the time I was living in NC but would return to LA every 3 to 4 months to do hair for my clients on the Westside.  Before this particular trip, I gave myself permission to explore West Hollywood also known as Weho. Best place to go for gay nightlife. Well I never had to go because Weho sat right next to me on the plane.  I was sitting in the aisle seat so I had to stand up to let her get to her window seat. Row number seven.  My lucky number.  The middle seat between us remained empty which was essential because I would have never spoken to her if we had sat right next to each other. That space in between us made it comfortable for me to open up and start a conversation. We ordered drinks, spoke of our lives.  I immediately felt comfortable with her which for me is rare. I could tell she was attracted to me as I was to her.  Towards the end of the flight, we exchanged numbers. I told myself that she would make a great hair client for my LA trips but in reality, I liked her.  I wanted. No….I needed to see her again.

In retrospect, I now know that before that plane ride, I opened up my heart to allow her to enter my life. Its hard for me to currently do that with my love life because I don’t really know what I want. But for my writing, my mind and my heart are aware of the possibilities.  The universe opens up opportunities and to invite them in I have to be aware that there is an invitation.  I tell myself that its ok to pursue what I really want to pursue.  I give my own self permission to explore. I refuse to become comfortably numb.

just call me crazy

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Is it just me or does dating make one crazy?  I’ve just started on my dating adventure in Los Angeles and I swear its absolutely time-consuming and disappointing.  Although I think I’m being impatient.  I’ve never had to work this hard to have a partner.  I mean I meant my ex-husband one month after graduating high school.  Eighteen years later, I fall in love with a woman on a plane.  Call it kismet or serendipitous…..it just happened. Falling in love with each of them was effortless and unplanned.  Now I’m forty one and single for the first time EVER in twenty two years and I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing.  I mean hooking up or having random sex is easy but this whole dating business is so awkward.  I’m supposed to be coy and play these mind-fuck games with guys so they can seem like they are chasing me.  Yes…..I’m back to men.  Dick for life……although there is that one girl at the gym.  Hmmmm….. I just wanna kiss her.

But seriously, I don’t like to play games.  I’m tactless and to the point. And these online dating apps don’t help either.  My first online dating app that I tried was Tinder.  I cringed at filling out my profile so instead I just left it empty.  I figured guys were either gonna swipe left or right based on my looks and I was fine with that.  If you’re reading this and you don’t know what Tinder is, it means you’re married or have been in a relationship for awhile.  But hang in there, I’m gonna have some great tips for you guys in future post because its likely you aren’t having enough or any sex at all.

So back to Tindering.  Well, I lasted 3 days. talked to 2 guys. Ugh!!  Chatting via text…….how are you?  How’s your day?  Where in LA are you located (crucial and most important question EVER because LA is huge and we don’t have time to sit in more traffic)?  Where are you from?  Blah, blah, blah……..fucken torture for me.  I call it chat-fucking but without the orgasm.  The reason I only lasted 3 days is due to my lack of patience.  I wanted to get laid ASAP.  That’s right.  I just wanted to hook up.  So I ditched Tinder and went to hook-up mecca,  Ashley Madison.  Don’t judge.  Ok , yeah……sure…judge me.  Ashley Madison is known as the on-line dating service where married or people in a committed relationship go to to have an affair.  For me, it was perfection.  Sex without the commitment or the emotional attachment.  Within days, I met Mr. Biker (this is my code name for him not his AM name).  Mr. Biker was a Latino guy in the medical profession that had been married for 2o something years and he and his wife no longer had sex.  Well,they did have sex but once or twice a month which for him was not enough. And he drove a Harley……score!

After 6 months of being on the site he figured out how to filter through the instant messages for prostitutes, money scammers, fake profiles, and my all time favorite, fantasy chat-fuckers.  Fantasy chat-fuckers are people who love to text forever and ever but never want to meet in person.  The worst!

Well, needless to say, I’m not a chat-fucker.  I’m a “lets do this, when and where can we meet?” kinda girl.   We ended up meeting at a bar in DTLA near my work.   He was in his late 40′s, early fifties.  We immediately had good chemistry. We chatted and  I learned of his past and what brought him onto AM. He had had a mistress for a few years prior to joining AM but she moved to another state.

Before  meeting Mr. Biker, I had a meeting with myself in regards to how far I would go sexually on the first date.  I didn’t want to commit to the whole package.  Y’know…..have sex right away so me, myself and I voted on oral sex as the first step.  Dick size is important during sex.  This whole “motion of the ocean”mumbo jumbo is total bullshit. So blow-jobs were the way to go for scoping out the goods.

After being with a woman for 4 years, I craved blow-jobs!  Its one of my favorite things to do.  So a total win win for both parties.  We had some drinks, a couple of laughs.  I asked him where his car was.  He said it was in a lot 2 blocks away.  I whispered in his ear, “I want to go to your car and give you a blowjob.”

Check please!!