just call me crazy

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Is it just me or does dating make one crazy?  I’ve just started on my dating adventure in Los Angeles and I swear its absolutely time-consuming and disappointing.  Although I think I’m being impatient.  I’ve never had to work this hard to have a partner.  I mean I meant my ex-husband one month after graduating high school.  Eighteen years later, I fall in love with a woman on a plane.  Call it kismet or serendipitous…..it just happened. Falling in love with each of them was effortless and unplanned.  Now I’m forty one and single for the first time EVER in twenty two years and I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing.  I mean hooking up or having random sex is easy but this whole dating business is so awkward.  I’m supposed to be coy and play these mind-fuck games with guys so they can seem like they are chasing me.  Yes…..I’m back to men.  Dick for life……although there is that one girl at the gym.  Hmmmm….. I just wanna kiss her.

But seriously, I don’t like to play games.  I’m tactless and to the point. And these online dating apps don’t help either.  My first online dating app that I tried was Tinder.  I cringed at filling out my profile so instead I just left it empty.  I figured guys were either gonna swipe left or right based on my looks and I was fine with that.  If you’re reading this and you don’t know what Tinder is, it means you’re married or have been in a relationship for awhile.  But hang in there, I’m gonna have some great tips for you guys in future post because its likely you aren’t having enough or any sex at all.

So back to Tindering.  Well, I lasted 3 days. talked to 2 guys. Ugh!!  Chatting via text…….how are you?  How’s your day?  Where in LA are you located (crucial and most important question EVER because LA is huge and we don’t have time to sit in more traffic)?  Where are you from?  Blah, blah, blah……..fucken torture for me.  I call it chat-fucking but without the orgasm.  The reason I only lasted 3 days is due to my lack of patience.  I wanted to get laid ASAP.  That’s right.  I just wanted to hook up.  So I ditched Tinder and went to hook-up mecca,  Ashley Madison.  Don’t judge.  Ok , yeah……sure…judge me.  Ashley Madison is known as the on-line dating service where married or people in a committed relationship go to to have an affair.  For me, it was perfection.  Sex without the commitment or the emotional attachment.  Within days, I met Mr. Biker (this is my code name for him not his AM name).  Mr. Biker was a Latino guy in the medical profession that had been married for 2o something years and he and his wife no longer had sex.  Well,they did have sex but once or twice a month which for him was not enough. And he drove a Harley……score!

After 6 months of being on the site he figured out how to filter through the instant messages for prostitutes, money scammers, fake profiles, and my all time favorite, fantasy chat-fuckers.  Fantasy chat-fuckers are people who love to text forever and ever but never want to meet in person.  The worst!

Well, needless to say, I’m not a chat-fucker.  I’m a “lets do this, when and where can we meet?” kinda girl.   We ended up meeting at a bar in DTLA near my work.   He was in his late 40′s, early fifties.  We immediately had good chemistry. We chatted and  I learned of his past and what brought him onto AM. He had had a mistress for a few years prior to joining AM but she moved to another state.

Before  meeting Mr. Biker, I had a meeting with myself in regards to how far I would go sexually on the first date.  I didn’t want to commit to the whole package.  Y’know…..have sex right away so me, myself and I voted on oral sex as the first step.  Dick size is important during sex.  This whole “motion of the ocean”mumbo jumbo is total bullshit. So blow-jobs were the way to go for scoping out the goods.

After being with a woman for 4 years, I craved blow-jobs!  Its one of my favorite things to do.  So a total win win for both parties.  We had some drinks, a couple of laughs.  I asked him where his car was.  He said it was in a lot 2 blocks away.  I whispered in his ear, “I want to go to your car and give you a blowjob.”

Check please!!

2 thoughts on “just call me crazy

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