those little voices


“Sitting at the Memphis airport,  I was sipping on a margarita waiting for my connecting flight to Los Angeles to arrive. It had been 3 months since my last trip to LA and this time around I was feeling extra euphoric about the incoming time alone.  No husband, no child, no expectations.  Just my time, my choices.

Just before this trip, those little voices in my head were at it again.  Constantly reminding me with sneaky entrances here and there that I needed to find a different course for my life.  It didn’t occur to me that I would meet someone within the hour that would change my life forever. “

This is an excerpt from my journal that when read makes me smile. I smile with gusto because I finally chose to change my life. Within a little over a year, I divorced my husband of 12 years and moved back to LA to live with my new partner. A partner who was another woman. My father thought I was disgusting. My mother was so disappointed. My brothers thought it was cool and my sister thought I was acting like a teenager.

But I knew exactly what I was doing. I was getting on the plane to freedom. It hasn’t been an easy ride this past 4 years but its been my rollercoaster ride. I have felt my stomach tighten as I’ve dipped into the bottom and have laughed with utter happiness at the top. I’m still riding and I never want to get off. The reason I don’t want to get off is because I’m not scared anymore.

I’m a 42 year old bisexual woman. Yes, bisexual. Not gay.

During my last year of marriage, I can remember that I would always go and sneak off at night to watch my show, “The L Word”.  It’s a show on netflix  about a group of lesbians living in LA and their love lives.  I was obsessed with this show!  I had always wanted to experiment with women and this was my way of living through them. I was also turned on.

Once children come into the picture, sex is always second to sleep. Parenthood is extremely exhausting and sleep is salvation.  So since the sex obviously lacked in my marriage, I got my orgasms through watching the girls on “The L Word”.  I could totally relate to them because they were feminine and weren’t the stereotypical lesbian look.

At the time I was living in NC but would return to LA every 3 to 4 months to do hair for my clients on the Westside.  Before this particular trip, I gave myself permission to explore West Hollywood also known as Weho. Best place to go for gay nightlife. Well I never had to go because Weho sat right next to me on the plane.  I was sitting in the aisle seat so I had to stand up to let her get to her window seat. Row number seven.  My lucky number.  The middle seat between us remained empty which was essential because I would have never spoken to her if we had sat right next to each other. That space in between us made it comfortable for me to open up and start a conversation. We ordered drinks, spoke of our lives.  I immediately felt comfortable with her which for me is rare. I could tell she was attracted to me as I was to her.  Towards the end of the flight, we exchanged numbers. I told myself that she would make a great hair client for my LA trips but in reality, I liked her.  I wanted. No….I needed to see her again.

In retrospect, I now know that before that plane ride, I opened up my heart to allow her to enter my life. Its hard for me to currently do that with my love life because I don’t really know what I want. But for my writing, my mind and my heart are aware of the possibilities.  The universe opens up opportunities and to invite them in I have to be aware that there is an invitation.  I tell myself that its ok to pursue what I really want to pursue.  I give my own self permission to explore. I refuse to become comfortably numb.

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