for all the daughters out there

Value and vulnerability have been the theme of my life at this current time.  Just last week I was introduced to the Ted talks of Brene Brown and her topic on vulnerability.  For me, its incredibly hard to open my heart up to people. I’ve been working on it over the past  year…..opening my heart up that is.  I’m quite guarded and its benefitted me in many ways.  People don’t fuck with me but they’re also afraid to engage.  So when I heard Brene’s talk about vulnerability and how we are all here to ultimately connect with one another…….to truly connect, we must be be vulnerable, we must be seen. Seen as who we truly are not who we think we should be.

Well, what better way to be vulnerable and begin to put yourself out there over and over again then in the world of online dating.  The dating scene out here in LA is ridiculous. So many choices,so many douchebags. Men and women. I compare it to apartment hunting.  There seems to always be the better apartment, the better partner out there. Perhaps.

I’ve met some great people and had zero chemistry or spark. I’ve easily hooked up when I wanted to and rarely think of those people.  I’m not the girl that has sex and then has emotions attached to them just because of the act.  I’m in it for the same reason. To get off.   But when that one person comes along and the heart reacts……the chemistry is unreal and you just can’t stop thinking about that person.  Well, for me, its a connection. Its undeniable.  For me… was Mr. Chicago.

We met online last August.  It was my first time on OK Cupid. I received an IM from Mr. Chicago and I glanced at his profile.  25 years old….fuck!  I’ve never dated a younger guy. But he was so charismatic and offered to cook me dinner on our first date. Don’t get me wrong, I knew it was just to eat and hook up and I was ok with that. But his age caught me a little off-guard.  Whatevs…..I jumped off the cliff and went for it.  The first 10 minutes of meeting him, we immediately had insane chemistry.  He fucked me so good that night. I fell right to sleep after he left.  I would think about him every once in awhile but thought…that was nice. Maybe it will happen again.  A couple of weeks passed and he texted me.  By that time, I was in my “no hook-ups” kinda mood. So I was honest with him and told him that I wasn’t just interested in hooking up. That I wanted intimacy and romance.  He was down.  We dated for a few weeks, had some outings, and then boom……he ghosted me.  Not only did he ghost me but he blocked me from his phone. He didn’t know this but I had actually developed feelings for him.  I never told him that this time around…..yep….there’s another round.

But my heart was broken and it took me months to get over him. I even stopped dating and hooking up so I could get clarity and invite some sort of truth into my life.  I was sooo close to being completely over him when in August of this year, he reappears.  He sent me a DM on instagram about how he had to leave LA and go back to Chicago for his dad. How sorry he was that he didn’t reach out. I was so surprised to hear from him. I honestly thought I would never hear from him again. I responded that I was glad to hear from him and that an apology would be appreciated.  In retrospect, I should have never responded and just deleted his ass forever. But I became vulnerable in a good way and gave him another chance.  I learned more about him and we would occasionally hangout.  Eventhough, I was talking to other boys, I was smitten with Mr. Chicago again.  Getting text from him filled my days with smiles and fantasies of us being together. Scenes in my head of us vacationing, of us looking for a place to live. I know. I allowed myself to go there. But the thing is, he never asked about my daughter, he never really asked about me. I would voluntarily give him information.  Towards the end, he said that he liked being around me because I made his world calm. But we were never around each other anymore….physically that is.  I was like…..why is this guy talking to me?  He’s already gotten my cherry. We just text. We set up twice to meet up but he no-showed. But my dumb ass kept talking to him. No not talking…..texting.  He sent me flowers to make up for the fact that he was being a total dick to me.  I dreamily accepted his flowers and even told him that I was starting to have feelings for him. Wow! At my age, what a stupid thing to do!

Actually, I’m glad I told him that I was starting to have feelings for him because I was being completely authentic and vulnerable.  Brene Browne says that showing vulnerability brings about creativity, joy, and courage.   But also shows that I have worthiness in myself. Seems polar opposite, I know but you just have to watch her Ted talk.

Luckily for me, my inside voices were telling me that he was untrustworthy and I quickly listened. Two days after those lovely flowers were delivered to me, I ended it with him. I wanted to tell him via phone but we only had a text relationship. So I texted him “I’ve been thinking over the weekend about you and I’ve decided its best that we part ways. I enjoy being a source of comfort to you but its not enough for me. And I really don’t know if our relationship can develop the way I would like it to. I have a child, I’m older.  I need support as well and can’t be the only one giving it.  I wish you the very best. ”

And I meant it. I cried for him for 2 days and now I’m done. I’m done because I know now why he came back into my life. It was for me to continue to open my heart.  When my spiritual advisor first saw me back in December 2015,  she was like…..”whoa, you have built such a huge wall around you.  You need to start opening your heart.”

Well, I have.  But the most important part is that I haven’t forgotten to value myself first. To open my heart to myself first. To love me first.  Because ultimately, when my daughter sees me, I do not want her to see me in pain but instead see me for the strong woman that I have become.